There are days when I want to slide into that chair and not get up. It's so enveloping and snug, I want to just nap.
I don't think of talking to anyone, I just want out. I feel like saying to the rest of me, "just leave me alone!" and to the world, "I'm locking myself in and leaving you out". I know that sometime, I will have to go out there, leave my chair by the fireplace and do what God purposes me to. But that time isn't now - now, I just want my chair and some rest.
And what does my God do? Sometimes He just looks at me, wordless. I sometimes cry out to him and pull on His hand, but He keeps silent. He has nothing to say to me. "Do something!!!" I plead, and He just plain walks away, lets me sit in my chair and rest.
He isn't a God of mere answers. He knows that answers don't save us; He Himself is our Saviour.
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Have you ever given yourself a deathwish?
How long has it been since you woke with the dawn
and felt that the day is worth the living?
or,
How long has it been since your mind felt at ease
How long since your heart knew no burden?
- Hovie Lister
It's like, you go through the motions, you live. The tyranny of the moment squeezes your life out; and your days are, anyways, in the words of Job, "swifter than a weaver's shuttle". Deep down inside, you actually do not want to live anymore. Like, if God Himself asked you, "Here. You're healed now. You're whole. Do you want to live?"...what would you say?
Jesus asked the lame man at the Bethesda pool, "Do you want to get well?" It seemed a rather strange question to me. This guy had been there for THIRTY EIGHT YEARS!!!! He was comfortable with his lameness and quite well adjusted. Why disturb the equation now? Why go after what seems like the rainbow? Let me just get by, lick my wounds and die peacefully somewhere???
We human beings usually like comfort better than we like a chance to start over. If you have doubts, see how the lame chap answered Jesus - "Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." Are we missing something? Which part of this even begins to answer Jesus' question?
When the core falls out of our lives........we just want to live with the empty shells. Never hope again, never dream again, never try again. When I asked myself, do I want to get well, do I want to live again - it isn't so easy to answer, YES!!!
Because, living again would mean not falling back on excuses for failure, not holding on to my pet weaknesses. Not telling myself that I am damaged beyond recognition. Letting go of old hurts. Living again would mean Christ's new life which knows no bounds. A glorious chance to write the script...again. To give myself a different past than the one I have now. Am I ready? I can never believe or say with full conviction that I am.
And here, The LORD sits by my chair. He interrupts my thoughts to say, "You're ready. It isn't when you FEEL ready that you really are ready. It is when I say you are ready - that's when you are ready."
And I look into His eyes and the tears fill up......I weep inconsolably. Because I find it so hard to believe. I'm so messed up, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Can I start again? Is it possible to start with a new sheet of paper? Is there nothing that can remain....from the past? All my mistakes....forever gone? No one can be that merciful or forgiving........and I'm too unclean!!!!
He lets me think about it. And I....can just see a glimmer of hope in His eyes.....something far in the distance, when I am well. And I try desperately to believe that it is NOW.
And then He says, like He said to Matthew....."Come follow me".
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If you're waiting to FEEL ready, I want to ask you this.......... are you prepared to wait forever? Because that's how long it's going to take - and even then, you might never be able to work it all out yourself.
Why not take the Saviour's outstretched hand? Leave to Him your readiness or unreadiness. Leave to Him your past. Your mistakes. Your uncleanness. Your failure. He just says, you're ready right now. This....is the moment.
Look up.....look down that new road. He will carry you.
Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.
- John 5: 8, 9
